I have heard that supermarkets are a prime place to be a recipient of an enchanting “pick up line.” Although I never had the experience, I have seen this “mating practice” done amongst the produce in our local Publix Supermarket. I am starting to think that fruits and vegetables must play a part in activating some chemicals in a man’s brain. Yes, the ones that are responsible for their courageous attempts to sputter out a couple of fetching words, that are capable of bringing a woman and her shopping cart to a halt.
Having observed this earthy phenomena a number of times in the local stores, fascinates me. It sheds light on Jane Goodall’s interest in watching and studying the gorillas in the jungle. When the ritual of “the phone number exchange” occurs, it signals to us voyeurs that a successful encounter transpired in this brightly colored and fragrant area of the store. Is there a combination of scents that kick the primal erotic hormones into play? Well, there just might be something to my theory, as I share my story of a ~ fall flirtation.
After a long weekend in the autumn splendor of the Smokey Mountains three years ago, Bonni and I slowly journeyed the hairpin curves, as we sadly departed the mystical energy of North Carolina’s treasure. We left space in the van to bring home apples, and the canned fruits and veggies that the locals sold at the roadside stores and stands. It was our hope to find one particular place we spotted, while driving into the area.
As I recalled, the stunning view with its vivid and striking colors had the capability of jump starting Lazarus. So, we carefully meandered the dangerous turns in anticipation of finding this gorgeous panorama. The store/antique shop was situated on the edge of a cliff, which made entering the parking lot a much easier task climbing up the mountain, rather than coming down. But, as luck would have it, there was a break in the traffic, and we pulled into the one and only handicapped parking spot.
While we savored the view from the van, I noticed a young rugged looking man with his eyes locked upon our vehicle. But, I broke away from his stare for a while to roll onto my lift to exit the van. I felt excited to have the opportunity to peruse all the crafts, antiques and the farmer’s harvested fruits and veggies. As I made my way onto the gravel, the brisk breeze put pink in my cheers and carried the scent of warm cider to my nose. It was a perfect day, and I maneuvered into the store, knowing that we would be taking home plenty of produce, jarred jams, jellies and spreads.
As I talked to the lady at the register, the strapping young man drifted closer, and with each step grew taller. He stopped just steps away near a number of huge apple bins outdoors. At this point I laughed inside, I recognized “the look.” His eyes gave away his intentions, and his flirting needle was approaching high. Yep, there he stood amongst the produce, I was curious to see if my theory was right.
So, I rolled around the apple bins like a honey bee ~ playing clueless to the stares. In minutes this brawny skyscraper mountain man was standing along side of me reciting the names of each apple, and like a wine connoisseur gave me the subtle differences of each. I nodded, showing my interest in his apple expertise. Then, a question, that he must have been dying to ask, flew off his lips and traveled a distance to my ears.
“Do you ever watch ‘Curve Your Enthusiasm’?”
Hmmm, I truly was blindsided by his words. But, now my gears were turning at top speed. Where was he going with this? Keeping my composure, I answered.
“I catch the show on occasion, and really enjoy it. Why are you asking?”
His body language signaled that he was inexperienced in talking to a woman, so I smiled and showed interest in his question to help him relax. Again, the words tumbled down to my ears.
“Well, I watched the show that pointed out the “perks” of dating a handicapped woman, and I have sorta been waitin’ for my chance. I learned plenty.”
It took everything in me to contain my laughter. Of course I was anxious for him to recite the “perks,” and to find out about his ~ chance. So, I asked with a sweet smile.
“Before we discuss these “perks,” could you tell me your name, age and a bit about yourself?”
“My name is Bill, and my family owns this business. I am twenty six, and as you can see I have a good job here. In the last couple of months I thought about settling down with a nice lady, and after watching “Curve Your Enthusiasm,” I think a gal in a wheelchair would be perfect for me.”
He did not ask me my name, or my age. In his mind the “perks” were square dancing in his head, and he thought he was looking at his “bride on wheels.” My theory about the produce, and the chemical effects on the mating hormones seemed to have some validity here ~ thinking research grant. Composed, and still very attentive, I asked about the show. He was ready to continue.
“Larry David takes out a lady in a wheelchair, a push chair, not electric like yours. A lot happened, it was real funny. And, well, he got the best parking spots everywhere, and ummm, they didn’t have to wait in line at the restaurant. PLUS,! they got free drinks, really, free drinks! His friends thought he had a bigger heart, ’cause he was datin’ her. My friends at church would really like me more too!”
As he talked his enthusiasm escalated. I knew I had not heard the ~ perk of all perks ~ yet! His reddening face clued me in, it was coming, and soon.
“Larry took his date home, and…well…he was trying to kiss her, but the chair got in the way. And…”
All I could hear was the drum roll.
“And, the date told him to roll her to her bedroom. Well, he was under the covers next. Then I thought, she can’t run away!”
In that moment, I realized his fantasy, his grand perk, “bride on wheels” can not run away ~ control! Before he said another word, I looked up that redwood tree torso, and put on his brakes.
“Bill! Bill! Are you looking for a bride or a hostage?”
He looked puzzled by my question. I continued.
“How old is your mother?”
Still puzzled, he answered.
“She’s pretty old. She going to be fifty six!”
I laughed, and said.
“Bill, I am fifty seven, and in wheelchair years, that is going on seventy!” See that withered pumpkin over there…”
I did not need to finish. Bill’s uncle came, and had him loading up an antique into a customers car. As I laughed to myself, I knew his bubble burst, and he was pondering ~ wheelchair years. God has a sense of humor; it showed that day. As Bonni and I made our way south, we amused ourselves with pondering my ~ fall flirtation.